Chowderhead Bazoo

Urban Woodsman

Like some kind of next-generation emo skateboarder who entered adulthood vaguely aware that his masculinity was missing, the Urban Woodsman is the resultant placebo effect - an ineffectual imitation of the real thing. While facial hair and plaid are great short-cuts, he may also pay lip service to the simple life - cafe talk about one day owning a farm or maybe getting a chicken - but no amount of faux-redneck homesteader-styled beard bands on ye olde iPod is going to change the fact that he wouldn't even know how to change a tire on a car, let alone build a super cool smokehouse.

Perhaps a distant, more now-baby cousin of the Mid-Afternoon Rambler, this city-dwelling play-actor now finds an entire world springing up around him to provide a stage and to support the illusion. Knick-knack shops sell branches and enamel camping ware, reclaimed barn wood and scratchy blankets. Bars, cafes and restaurants approximate rumpus rooms and log cabins, lifestyle magazines are encrusted with plywood and taxidermy, while the net slops over with all manner of preciously rustic how-to hominess, from pot pies to chicken coops. The Urban Woodsman probably digs that whole Amish scene - it's so DIY.

Now insert some palaver about a subconscious response to the opressively modern world here, some stuff about lost values, getting back to basics and all that bluegrass. In fact, there may have been some irony here at some point, but as with so many things, the winking simply becomes blinking.

Twister of Knickers

No matter how calamitous the state of the world, you can always count on this specimen to have her priorities and concerns completely out of whack. Sterilized ladle in hand, she's ready to spoon down the latest fear-mongering distraction-du-jour with a well-trained gusto while fiery, Hell-bound handbaskets of reality whizz by all around her. Almost always a denizen of some soulless suburban chipboard tract, the safety of removal has not quite materialized for her despite her dutiful adherence to the trappings and mindset of the North American whitebread lifestyle/fantasy. Perhaps overwhelmed by the size and complexity of the world, its violence and viciousness, the specimen focuses in on things directly within arm's reach and the small, often phantom-like things that threaten the illusionary coziness inside this zone. There is nothing she can do about genocide, but she can sure as heck get all hand-wring-y about bylaws and backyards. Or better yet, go shopping for molding.

Due to its seemingly harmless banality, it is easy to miss the fact that the Twister of Knickers is really a close cousin to the Great North American Redneck and its insidious ignorance-as-virtue mentality - a sort of middle-class hillbilly. And although their numbers are vast, there is much to suggest that the species may be on the brink of endangerment, that its dominance is quickly diminishing. At last, the nameless fear justified.

The Summer-Wreckers

Sun! Surf! Stabbin'! Fuckin' A. It's that time of year again when the vicious dregs of our far-flung dystopian suburbs migrate to the downtown shores for a little summer funtime R & R - namely, rockin' and rampagin'! Which of course means lots of beer, lots of yelling, and with the crazed consumption of the former, lots of looking for trouble. Or more accurately, lots of inventing trouble. I'll never quite understand this specimen's blueprint for fun. And they're everywhere, no matter where you go - any place known for fun and festivity - they'll be there, tiny eyes glazed over in a state of rodent-like ferocity, wiry little bad vibe time-bombs ready to blow, ready to ruin the scene for everyone. I picture the preparations: "Let's see, sunscreen, towel, backpack, shiv..." Who thinks like that? And how in Hell do they manage to stay out of frequent incarceration? Maybe they don't. Maybe they just don't give a shit about anything. Except partying. With knives.

Food-Hating Tower of Maintenance

She may have started out with good intentions - saving chickens, starting a garbage heap and all that - but all too often it's a slow and steady kayak cruise into a full-blown eating disorder. Today's concerned twenty-something has pretty much turned vegetarianism and veganism into a rite of passage; admirable enough, I guess, except perhaps for the often short-sighted perspective that will find many of them looking like frail, hollowed-out junkies by the time they're hitting their mid-thirties. It's like watching someone go slowly bat-poop crazy, their diminishing sustenance intake in direct proportion to their insane and wearying rationalizing. And yet as they sit there trembling and complaining of various wim-wams and vapours while you tuck into your burger and slug back java with a vitality they can't even remember, they will actually adopt a superior attitude and lemon-sucking expression as they toss out the textbook platitudes of the hopeless foodophobe. "I could never eat that." No kidding - you can barely get through your flax cracker and I'm the nut here?  Oh wait, nuts are deadly poison, aren't they? ...Sigh.

The New Lounge Lizards

Once this breed boasted proud pompadours and razor-sharp sharkskin suits as they trolled smoke-filled nightspots, quick with a Zippo and a loaded wink, hitting it hard with the skirts and even harder with the hootch - real drinks that had nothing to do with cranberries, ginger infusion, or energy drinks. Now look at them. Chances are they've never been to Europe or even L.A. - so where does the faux sporty Euro-trash-by way-of Hollywood look come from? And how do we send it back? Indeed, the puzzling pair raise more questions than they answer; are they talking to each other? Who the hell are they constantly dialing up? And if they're having such an awesome time, how come they always seem to be on the horn? I once spotted a gaggle of four or five of these guys all clucking away on their phones at the same time as the night and the world around them simply passed them by as if they were bit players in their own life stories. (A dull read to be sure.) It's the modern peacock syndrome, I suppose, and I guess the ladies really like to see how a - cough - man handles himself around a tiny twittering, beeping annoyance. And what could they possibly do for a living? So many questions... ones their reptilian forefathers could never answer.

Mass-Consuming Toddler Man

Based on the swelling numbers of this species, it would seem that the infantilization of the North American male is nearly complete - short of an actual diaper full of shit and accompanying bawling. But hey - the millenium's still young. Really young. He's the perfect stooge for our times; consuming anything you tell him to, easily distracted with useless shiny things waved in his face, and handily placated with the instruments of instant gratification. Requiring even less effort or thought is the fact that he can pretty much wear the same outfit from cradle to grave. Great! Life is one long kindergarten with super-sized drinks and a trail of crud down your shirt-front. Is it too early for man-bibs as casual wear? Go to any mall, airport, or casino and you'll see virtual armies of the Toddler Man, quite literally toddlin' and a-waddlin' along thanks to the cut of his massive crotch-heavy pants and sausagey McGirth. Turn on the TV and there he is again as the modern sitcom dad - the slow-witted slob on the couch, worshipper of the idiot box, sports-addicted, bereft of dignity and as feckless as a newborn - further infantilized by his sassy yet indulgent (and invariably disproportionately attractive) wife. Here he lolls, the new ideal.

Doobie Doofus

Let's get serious about pot! Oops, too late. But hey, if you enjoy a little indulgin' in the ol' "Mary Jane" now and then, why not crank it up a bit and turn it into a loud, clownish, and annoying way of life? Not only will you be learning more about rope and tunics than you ever thought possible, but you'll also be freaking out The Man. Now if only The Man could ever look at you without giggling and shaking his head. What's worse, this specimen - invariably going by some idiotic, ridiculously cliche old hippy handle like Captain Wizard - always seems to be elected spokesman for the local hemp activists, leading one to assume that this guy's practically conservative or lucid compared to the rest of them. Or maybe this is their vision of Utopia - who knows? Who cares? Got any Wheat Thins? But, hey - way to dispel those preconceived notions, Cap'n - thanks for all your hard work! Never mind the fact that the bud he's huffing is about fifty times stronger than that of his groovy forefathers, but maybe he could take a cue from them and the countless casual tokers before him and just shut the fuck up and smoke it.

Urban Dog Brain

(Click to enlarge)

"Don't worry - he's friendly!" That's what you usually hear just before the wet slobbery snout starts probing your groin and the pooch's owner either wanders off or stands there grinning like a proud parent. The baffling Urban Dog Brain is a unique specimen in the pet-owning world as their love of city living and prepackaged lifestyle seems to directly correspond with their lousy pet-owning skills and sense of entitlement. They decide to cram an often too-large Fido into their tiny lofty living cubicles and then loudly bitch about the fact that large urban centres aren't more dog-friendly, which in turn compels them to flout the rules. When called on their inconsiderate behaviour the specimen will undoubtedly go into flinty-snippy overdrive with prepared platitudes more in keeping with the mindset of an eight year-old ("it's not fair!"), while positively stinking of the wrongheaded attitude of someone who gives you a dirty look for noticing that they're urinating in public. Angry missives to the local paper are not unheard of either, prompting yet another weary back and forth about what, oh what can be done to placate Dog Brain and provide Rover with all of his doggy needs - except for things like a yard, clean air, and peace and quiet. All because their love of dogs knows no earthly bounds.

Double Decaf Khak-Head

(This one fell through the cracks, originally posted only on the Sinners blog. Might as well keep the set complete.)

Perhaps the more uber-middle class, more conspicuously consuming cousin of the Uptight Seattleite, the Khak-head is nonetheless all about "doing the white, er, right thing" and chuckling knowingly at the proper NPR programs. Donning his weekend trekkin' outfit, the specimen is wont to feeling on top of the world - because he is. It's his world, we're just living in it. Sorry, Sinatra - some smooth, runny World-Beat-Lite is more his bag, purchased at his local Starbucks, naturally, along with his complicated and safe coffee-free coffee. And safety is indeed a big issue for the Khak-head, for while he may appear to be quite crunchily Liberal, he's been buying into a lot of fear-mongering in the last few years; outwardly snickering at the notion that there are crazed, freedom-hating terrorists lurking behind his top-of-the-line sports utility lawnmower in the garden shed, but truthfully a little nervous about the possibility. I mean, he's got a lot of stuff. He still may be clutching that Utne, but once you start peppering your political chatter with the words "post 9-11 world," it's a slippery slope into the GOP goose-step.

Neo Redneck Chic

A little bit Kid Rock, a little bit big-house "new fish" and a whole lotta' over-stimulated suburban rube, the Neo Redneck suspects he might be making a statement, but can't quite summon up the mental energy to figure out what it is. It's less a statement really than a nacho-infused grunt. With brow furrowed and expression set to "rodential," the specimen seems to be attempting to convey some sense of hard, hairy manliness and gruff my-way-or-the-highway forthrightness, despite resembling an underfed, ageing boy-band member. His only strength may lie in numbers as he is somewhat of a pack animal, but for the most part he will always look slightly overwhelmed and angrily confused, ready to lash out at the myriad things he does not and cannot understand. However, like a degenerating chain of photocopied photocopies, he does not exude the authenticity, the genuine chaos of the true-blue jerky-jawin', shirt-sheddin' trailer trash punk - extremely difficult to pull off when you live with your parents in Stripmallville, cozily nestled down with your video games and Spiderman bedsheets.